Month 15
I was talking with one of the third year residents recently, telling her I had some proud “second year” moments on shift. She asked if I had written in my blog recently and I agreed it was time for some reflection.
Looking back on my previous post from 1 month into residency, I am grateful for these pieces of writing to look back on. I remember very well feeling that it seemed “impossible” that I would be as competent and calm as the 2nd year residents 1 year from then, and now here I am functioning as a second year in the emergency department.
I have had an immense amount of growth in the first 15 months of residency, it is really difficult to describe in words. I genuinely feel shocked at how much I’ve learned when I think back to those first weeks. The funny thing about this process though, is that I don’t go into each shift now as a second year consciously thinking about how far I’ve come; it only hits me temporarily in certain moments or certain patient encounters. I’ll share some of those specific moments below.
In my post from 1 month into residency, I also wrote that I wanted to keep a positive and happy demeanor during the process. 15 months later, I am glad to reflect and feel that I overall have been able to keep that goal. There are difficult days, difficult rotations, and extremely difficult situations. I have cried at work and at home, I have had sleepless nights, and I have had unforeseen personal adversities arise that led to a less-happy-version of me for a few weeks. But, I am proud to look back and feel that I have still come out of the other side of those challenges with a happy demeanor and genuine joy for what I get to do as a resident.
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On a recent shift, I recognized that a patient needed to be intubated within seconds of walking into the room. My attending wasn’t immediately present in the first few moments, but I was confident enough to call my nursing team and notify them immediately that we needed more help, and the patient needed to be in a resuscitation bay rather than a small room. Even as we were moving the patient over, there was still a brief imposter-syndrome-related anxious moment where I thought to myself “well if this doesn’t really need to be done it’s better to over-call and get more help”. The patient was a very sad case, and did in fact require intubation due to neurologic decline. In a very typical emergency-medicine-fashion, the very next day I was humbled as I felt scared and overwhelmed at the volume of patients I needed to see.
As I am coaching the new interns through their first procedures, I am surprised at the level of confidence, calm, and the procedural knowledge that I hear in my own voice. One of the things that drew me to this residency was the high volume of procedural exposure we have early on, and I am grateful for the experience here. I love the culture of giving as many procedures as safely possible to the interns, and though it’s still a new experience for me to be the teacher rather than the learner, I am excited to see this class of interns 1 year from now too.
Facebook memories showed me a photo of myself holding my first stethoscope (and it’s actually the same stethoscope I still use) 5 years ago the other day. On that very same day, I assisted a trauma surgeon with a tourniquet as she evaluated a brachial artery injury… I also quickly examined an actively laboring patient and rode with her in the ambulance to the outlying hospital that has labor and delivery services. Riding in the ambulance with my nurse, realizing that we are there in case this baby needs to be emergently delivered on the way to another hospital, was definitely one moment where I realized how far I’ve come. (It was still terrifying, and I’m glad that the mother and baby made it to the next hospital without delivering.)
I know that if I could talk to the version of myself in that picture from 5 years ago, she would also be in disbelief at how far we have come. And I know as I write this, currently being 15 months in to the 36 month adventure of emergency medicine residency, I’ll look back on my current experiences too and continue to be humbled at how much I still need to learn.
My super girl! I love how you write things. I feel every word! I love you more than words can say.