April 11, 2024April 13, 2024 monicarose

A Brief Reflection as I’m Turning 30

Life

It’s currently 4am the morning of my 30th birthday. I am on night shifts this month so I’ve been waking up every couple of hours with my body confused as to why I’m trying to sleep at this time. As I’m wide awake and have a few hours before I have to leave for my weekly residency lectures, I figured I’d take advantage of this quiet moment to be reflective.

I’ve been surprised to find that I’ve been having mixed emotions about turning 30. I spent my twenties, my entire adult life, chasing this dream of becoming an ER doc. Now I am just 71 days from graduating my Emergency Medicine Residency and I will start my first attending job shortly thereafter. I don’t know how else to describe it, but I have had this feeling that I wouldn’t make it to finally practicing on my own. Not in a morbid or unhealthy way; I think it just felt like this goal and this accomplishment that was always so far away that my brain started to conceptualize it as if it would forever be out of reach, in the future somewhere, as something we just dreamed about. I am so proud of my choices and the work I’ve put into this career, and the way I’ve spent my twenties. But, I think part of the reason I’ve been having mixed feelings about this birthday is because I am ready and in need of a change of season in this beautiful life. In this next decade of life, I can feel in my gut that it is time to shift the focus inward, and not to think of this shift as “selfish”. 

I saw this tik tok the other day that said something along the lines of: if you feel like the space you’re in is falling apart, it’s probably because you’ve outgrown it. And I’ve been thinking about that a lot in terms of my mixed feelings about turning 30. 

Now, I’m not saying this from an arrogant place, especially in terms of my job. Emergency medicine humbles us regularly, and I would be inauthentic if I didn’t say that my moonlighting shifts still scare me, and the thought of my first attending job in a completely new hospital system absolutely makes my heart jump with nerves. There is so much to learn in medicine that I could be a resident forever and still learning every single day. But, the point of residency isn’t to learn “everything”; that’s definitely not possible. The point of residency is to build your foundation that you will continue to add to for the rest of your career. And, I am so grateful to truly know in my heart that I chose and matched to the program I was meant to be in. I have fallen in love with these people, this family, this experience, and that’s all I can say about that for now without crying at the thought of leaving. 

That quote resonated with me I think because I have felt a shift in myself the last few months. I have always had a desire for more time for my physical and mental health, for more time with my amazing husband and my dogs, more time with my family and friends, more time for hobbies. But, in the last decade of life, I just kind of pushed past those desires and prioritized other things, like medical school and residency, and giving my all to being a chief resident this last year. In the last few months, I can feel that I don’t want to just push past that desire any more, and that it’s time to shift my focus inward. I need to learn how to have better boundaries between my home life and my work, so that I can have the long career I’ve been dreaming of. I need to ensure I don’t neglect my own individual learning as a young physician in the process of trying to help others. 

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I spent my twenties sacrificing, and questioning myself every step of the way. I ended my twenties with what were in many ways the most difficult years of my life, and at the same time the most amazing and definitely the most formative. I am ready to spend my thirties enjoying the benefits my hard work has brought into my life, and learning how to be better at being proud of myself. I am ready to spend my thirties focusing on nurturing all aspects of my life as an individual, as a young physician, as a dog mom, maybe someday as a mother to my own children, and as a wife with the absolute best partner in life I could ever ask for. 

Hello thirties! 
I have a feeling I’ve been waiting for you.