March 7, 2020 monicarose

The Good and the Bad

Life

The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster, mostly full of good things, but also with some sad.  I’ve always said that it seems like life events happen all at once, and this last month has been no exception. 

On February 14th my Dominic proposed to me in the most romantic amazing way, and that day felt like a dream and was one of the best days of my life.  After over 6 happy years together, we both know that we don’t define our love and our relationship based on titles, but I’m so happy that he’s gone from being my boyfriend to my fiancé.  He could have proposed while we were at home, in pajamas, with our puppy, but he chose to put so much thought and so much time into his proposal, and I just love that so much.  From the very beginning of our relationship he has always wanted to make our moments special, and proposing on the 28th floor in the Bellagio, overlooking the fountains, with candles and roses and my favorite song (Riser by Dierks Bentley) playing truly felt like a fairytale.  Thank you my man for thinking of every detail, right down to a light up ring case because you knew it would be dark in the candlelight. 

The next weekend I was at my last event as the premedical international student representative for PhiDE in Los Angeles, which was truly a wonderful way to end my year in this position. (My next post will be a reflection on my experience as the student representative.) 

On the day I flew home from that event, my horse Cocoa got sick. We’ve had my Cocoa since I was 11 years old, and we’ve been so lucky to have him in our back yard at home with us for the last several years.  On February 24th, the day before his 25th birthday, he started having seizures likely related to a ruptured intestine and we had to make the decision to help him leave this life.  I immediately felt pushed back to the helpless and devastated state I felt when I lost my Holly just over a year ago, and so frustrated that among all of this good I also had to figure out how to grieve this immense loss. 

On February 26th we celebrated my puppy Luna’s 1st birthday.  I am so grateful for my dean at my school for supporting me and allowing me to take a couple of days off of my rotation after losing Cocoa, and glad that I was able to take a day and focus on my Luna.  

It felt strange to be so happy and so sad at the same time.  Dominic and I took our Luna to Red Rock, and being outside always helps me feel grounded.  It was a day full of smiling and looking at how big Luna has gotten, but also with tears and heartache that I just had to say goodbye to my very first four-legged best friend.  

Yesterday, March 6th, was my last day on clinical rotations as a third year medical student! I finished on a plastic surgery rotation which was very interesting, but with everything going on and with very long days at the hospital, also really exhausting.  It’s still surreal that when I go back to seeing patients April 1st, I will be doing so as a fourth year medical student.  

Today, March 7th, I got to spend the day volunteering with Squires Elementary School at our third annual spring health fair (this year coupled with a field day), and there’s absolutely no better way I could have ended my third year of medical school.  I’m proud to be at a medical school that sends us out into our communities, and so grateful to get to work with this amazing group of people. It’s been so rewarding to see our event grow each year, and today seeing hundreds of community members come out and talk to 20 health-related resources was definitely a day I won’t forget.  

… 

In the last few weeks I’ve realized that each loss in life brings a unique kind of grief.  This grief is hitting me in smaller waves, rather than the overwhelming sense of drowning I had last year or the long heartache and confusion I had after losing my Mimi.  Maybe this grief is different out of necessity, with so many important things coming up in my fourth year of medical school, I really can only pause for moments and not days.

As a medical student it’s hard to feel like you have enough time to give space to life events outside of school.  As I went back to my plastic surgery rotation after saying goodbye to my Cocoa, I was really taken aback at how easy it was for me to show up and participate and work as I normally do.  I don’t think anyone could tell that I was grieving, that I didn’t feel like myself, that my sleep was constantly interrupted. I’m honestly still not sure if I should be proud of this or be a little concerned by it, but I am taking conscious steps every day to make sure I am taking care of myself mentally and physically even if it puts me behind my initial study schedule for Step 2. 

In my life so far, good and bad things tend to come close together, and the last few weeks have been no exception.  As always, my tattoo is a reminder of my mantra that gets me through: the hard times put the shine into the diamond.  Right now, I take this to mean that I need to give space to the sadness whenever necessary, but keep in mind that without sadness and loss I wouldn’t appreciate the happiness and the new things in my life.