The First Five Months
The first five months of clinical rotations have been so busy that I have several ideas in mind that I’ve been wanting to reflect on. This is a collection of a few main thoughts I’ve had as my education has shifted from primarily lecture to hands-on and getting to talk to patients almost every day.
Being on clinical rotations is a new kind of pressure
Much of the time I’m just focused on the task at hand, whether it’s talking to a patient, studying at home, or trying to be present as I spend time with my loved ones. The big picture in which I am less than 2 years away from being called “doctor” isn’t always at the front of my mind. That being said, when that realization does hit me, I feel an immense wave of pressure.
The first time I heard “You should know ___, you’re a third year medical student” was definitely a moment and feeling I don’t think I’ll ever forget. It was at the end of a 13-hour day, mostly standing in the OR, and it was some of our nicest and most supportive attendings who said this to me. They didn’t say it in a mean way, just as a fact, and then offered some advice on finding reliable resources for studying. The reason this statement had such a huge effect on me was because it was one of the first times I think the “big picture” really hit me. During the first two years of medical school as I was mostly studying, things felt similar to being a premedical student and it was easier to tell myself I have so many years between now and having true responsibilities to a patient. Now that I’m in-training, seeing patients, there are new expectations both from others and that I place on myself. For now all I keep telling myself is I just have to try my best each day, and keep moving forward.
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Giving my best self
I think given the responsibilities a physician has, it makes sense that starting from the beginning, now as a medical student, we are expected to give our best selves to our clinical rotations. When I or a family member are the patient, I would hope to have a doctor that gave their best self to their training too. However, the day-to-day of working to be my best for the doctors I work with is definitely an exhausting new experience. There’s nothing I’d rather give my best self to than to learning to become a competent physician someday, but that doesn’t take away the guilt I have when I know my Dominic and my family aren’t seeing the best version of me. I’m grateful that my support system is understanding, and I’m honestly still working on being more understanding of myself.
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Learning a new language
Medicine really is its own language, and this is extremely frustrating when you don’t know what’s going on, but also incredibly rewarding when you finally start to understand.
One attending gave us a speech that sums this up better than I could. Someone determined that to be fluent in a language you have to understand about 10,000 words. Someone else determined that medical students learn about 15,000 new words during our training. Hearing this at least validated the worn-out feeling I have at the end of many days on this journey.
On this note, I do have to say, that it is uniquely exhilarating when hours of studying and saying new words in my head is translated into an intelligent conversation with a doc about my patient. Each time I hear myself speak a new word, somewhere in my tired brain there definitely is excitement for the future in which I’ll be helping patients understand this language too.
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I love talking to patients
It’s really not a dramatization to say that I’ve been working my entire life to get to the point where I get to spend my time talking to patients. I still have a lot of studying to do before my entire day is focused on patient interaction and care, but getting to this point in medical school has been an extremely surreal and exciting milestone to reach.
However nervous I am walking to the patient’s room, thinking “What questions should I ask? What differential diagnosis should be in mind? I hope I don’t forget to ask about allergies or family history again…” as soon as I smile and introduce myself to the patient and explain that I’m a student part of the team, I feel calm, content to be spending my time this way, and so honored that my patients are letting me have a glimpse of their lives during a vulnerable time. Each day of clinicals is a rush of trying to learn as much as possible and working to put my best foot forward, but during my actual patient encounters time finally slows down and I can focus only on the conversation at hand.