July 19, 2019July 18, 2019 monicarose

Life Doesn’t Stop for Medical School

Life, Medical School

It’s been 6 months since I experienced the most difficult loss of my life when my yellow lab Holly passed away unexpectedly due to acute myeloid leukemia.  It’s also been about 4 months since I started seeing patients in my clinical rotations, and 3 months since my boyfriend Dominic and I got a white german shepherd puppy named Luna.  It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve started to feel like my feet are back underneath me and since I’ve started to feel like myself again.

I wanted to wait to share this experience until I felt like some of the most difficult parts of the loss were behind me, and I’m really glad to say that though my grief still hits me in waves, I no longer feel like I’m drowning. 

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[January 20th, 6 months ago] After I had a definitive diagnosis and the estimate that my Holly would live for less than a month, I decided to take her home and keep her happy and comfortable as possible.  She soon had another seizure, provoked just by going outside, and as I held her and comforted her I knew in my heart that it would be selfish to keep her on this earth suffering and unable to be her full happy self.  My family drove from out of state to say goodbye, as she was an incredibly important piece of our family and truly touched so many hearts. Staying calm so she wouldn’t be scared, lying with her and loving her all day, knowing I had to say goodbye to my guardian angel, all made for one of the most difficult days of my life so far.  After enjoying a steak dinner and endless loving all day, she left this world calm, and still as her happy loving self. I’m grateful that her vet was able to come to her home and help her end this life in peace, and surrounded by her family. I’ll never forget that the vet and his assistant prayed with me and my family as she went to sleep for the last time. 

Within a few hours of saying goodbye, I felt pressure return as the reality hit that the most important test of medical school, USMLE Step1, was less than 4 weeks away.  Just because my heart was broken, time was going to keep moving forward, and I still had responsibilities as a medical student. That night I made the decision to try my best to push through, get back to studying after a day off, and decided to keep my planned test date, February 15th.

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[February 15th, Test Day]  My practice test scores were passing and I was ready for this insane 7.5 hour test to be behind me.  I was worried I wouldn’t pass (and would remain worried until I finally received my score), but I was also so emotionally and mentally exhausted and I knew I couldn’t continue studying for another day.  I didn’t know if I was really allowing myself to grieve the way I would if I wasn’t in dedicated study time, and there was no way to ever know. This test was just as much a part of my life as my loss, and to get to this point I just did my best and then left the rest up to fate.  I promised myself I’d let myself hurt and heal in whatever ways I needed now that the responsibility of studying would be done (until clinical rotations start April 1st). 

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[July 19th, looking back and still working on moving forward]  
Since I’ve been back to school, now seeings patients almost every day, I’ve started sharing my experience with friends, including other medical students.  From these conversations, I’ve found comfort in the fact that I’m not alone in feeling the weight of how difficult it can be when life events are happening and still medical school must take priority.  I’m starting this blog to write honestly about the challenges, not to complain, but just to recognize them and maybe normalize experiences and open conversations for others.  

It’s difficult to lose loved ones, whether in death or the end of a relationship, and to learn how to intermittently push your emotions to the side for the sake of succeeding in medical school.  When you see your friends in their careers already, having children, and when you watch your young family members grow up so quickly, it can start to feel like life is moving on around you and medical school is holding you still and taking up your life.  I don’t think it’s ungrateful or bad to feel like this, and I would have appreciated if a medical student had shared their difficulties with me, so I’m sharing myself.

I don’t know how I would grieve the loss of Holly if I wasn’t a medical student.  But I do know that my drive to become a physician someday has been the common thread that’s gotten me through every one of my hard times.  I’m not back to being who I was before my loss, and since I’m changing, learning, and growing each day so quickly, I have to accept that once the most painful part of my grieving is through, I will be a different person, both due to the loss and due to the growth that medical school demands. 

My tattoo is always my mantra that helps me get through… I still believe these hard times are just shaping the beautiful diamond that is my future.  Making a living helping people is a privilege that I am sacrificing for right now, and I wouldn’t stray from this journey if I could. My hard work is being validated by the fact that finally getting to talk to patients truly has helped me continue to move forward and brings me so much joy.  The last 6 months have taught me that sometimes it’s okay to just “tread water”, to take things one day, sometimes one minute, at a time…to just do our best in each moment, and then hope that tomorrow is better. 

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For me, as time was moving forward I started to realize in my heart that being a “dog mom” has become part of my self-identity and what keeps me grounded.  Just because medical school isn’t the most convenient time to get a puppy, I didn’t want to let time pass and not fully live. I’m grateful to Dominic for being willing to go down this path by my side, and for being ready to be a “dog dad”.  I’m grateful that Luna is in my life and she is helping me heal each day. 

Life doesn’t stop for medical school.  But I think that the most important thing we can do is remind ourselves to live fully during this journey, to be present, and to hold on to the moments that make us human, not just to the moments that make us medical students.