I am a Doctor Now…
I am a Doctor now.
Honestly, I’m still getting used to this idea. I wrote the title of this post just to get my mind going on what I wanted to reflect on and write, and seeing it there in black and white is still very surreal. I have a very strong urge to correct the above statement to say “I am a doctor in training now” or “I am technically a doctor now”. There are currently a lot of cobwebs collected on the medical knowledge areas of my brain, but everyone says this is normal and they will be quickly dusted off once I start intern year in a few short weeks.
As I wrote on graduation day, I’ve been wanting to try to reflect and absorb all that has happened in the last 4 years. I’m currently sitting in Cancun as I write this on the last few days of my Honeymoon, finally with my mind a little slower, and with lots of moments to just sit still.
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The end of medical school has had such a bittersweet mix of emotions. I’ve been counting down the days for years, and now the day has come and gone, and it’s really difficult to put into words how that feels. When you graduate from medical school, you are losing your current community, and even if you took that community for granted at times, you still feel that loss here at the end. I’ve dreamed of being able to put the letters “MD” at the end of my name for my entire life, and yet now that technically I can, I hesitate to update social media profiles or write it down anywhere. I think this hesitation stems in part from the imposter syndrome that many of us struggle with throughout this entire journey.
I didn’t expect to doubt myself as often as I did during medical school. Our Dean, Dr. Parrish shared with us on our first day that even as he accepted his diploma, part of him was still waiting for the phone call that he didn’t really graduate. He then reassured us that the admissions committee had specifically wanted each and every one of us, and there was nobody there who didn’t belong. I replayed his words in my mind many times throughout medical school, and probably will continue to during residency. It helped me to know that he faced similar doubts, and I hope my honesty in admitting my own doubts can help others too. There’s such a delicate balance between staying humble, but also being confident and having faith in yourself and your abilities. For me this balance definitely tends towards the humble and doubting myself side, but it’s something I pay attention to so as not to let it hold me back.
One reason I think so many medical students struggle with imposter-syndrome-like thoughts is related to the nature of learning in medical school, and just the nature of the medical field itself. Although there are lots of exams in the first half of medical school where you get a bit of somewhat objective evidence that you are in fact learning things, the list of things you still need to learn is truly endless, and that neverending list is more what we tend to focus on. From a larger perspective, the field of medicine is constantly changing, as is the nature of science, which the recent COVID Pandemic has pointed out to all of us. Growing up, as I dreamed of becoming a doctor, I always had this unrealistic idea that doctors just know everything there is to know, since they always have to have the answers. I think one of the biggest lessons you learn in medical school is that this idea that “doctors know everything” is false. I still catch myself correcting my thinking, and reminding myself that doctors can’t possibly “know everything”. We do need to know how to find pertinent information when we’re helping our patients and their families make decisions. And, perhaps more importantly, we need to know how to communicate effectively with our patients, especially when there is not a clear answer. I also keep reminding myself that there is a good reason that so many medical specialties exist, and what knowledge each doctor ends up focusing on and eventually mastering depends heavily on what specialty they’re in.
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Anyways, tangent on imposter syndrome aside, I would still like to reflect on my medical school journey a bit more.
I finally took the time to scroll through my old photos from the last 4 years. One of the things that impacted me the most was watching my own speech from October 2017, just a couple of short months into medical school. In this speech I shared a little bit about my story and my outlook, including that my life’s darkest moment was in May 2016 when my family and I found my Mimi with no pulse the day before I graduated from college. Hearing myself refer to that time as “my life’s darkest moment”, and now knowing that I’ve had even harder times during medical school, was a bittersweet moment. It caused a short jolt of pain in my chest and I shed a few tears as I thought about the loss of my Holly at such a pivotal time of medical school. But it also made me realize that although I’ve faced new hard times, my mantra that “the hard times put the shine into the diamond” has still continued to get me through. I still believe that darkness and sadness are just as important in life as light and happiness, in part because it makes you appreciate the sweet moments that much more. I know that I cherished my friendships and my other relationships in a new and better way after the loss of my Holly. I stopped letting my own insecurities and doubts stop me from connecting with and trusting others, because I had a fresh painful reminder of how precious time is and how important happy genuine memories really are.
I’ve always loved the saying that “life isn’t what happens to you, it’s how you react to it”. It is extremely difficult to react to loss, death, and other traumatic events immediately in a positive way. But, eventually, I think the most resilient and happy people do find a way to do just that, and it’s something I consciously work for in my own life. Now as I’m trying to wrap my mind around the huge responsibility of being an emergency physician, I’m reminding myself that I will be in many of my patients’ lives on their hardest days. I will be a provider to my patients and their families during their Mimi and Holly moments. I am truly humbled that I will have this privilege for the rest of my career, and it’s part of what drew me to emergency medicine specifically. I know that I am meant for this job, and I will work as hard as I possibly can during the next 3 years of residency, and for the rest of my life, to be worthy of my patients’ trust and to never lose sight of the compassionate and human side of this amazing career.
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The last 4 years have taught me so much, and definitely not just medical knowledge. Medical school was extremely difficult. There was a lot of sacrifice and tears and hard work, and there was also a lot of happiness and adventures and growth. I have changed so much, and yet at the same time I feel like I’m still the same kid inside I’ve always been. I have gained so much confidence and learned about myself, even though along the way I felt like I was always “faking it until I make it”. I have had so many amazing opportunities to nurture my passions for community outreach, and for mentorship; largely thanks to being part of UNLV School of Medicine and Phi Delta Epsilon. I was honestly surprised, but am very proud, to have been chosen to be part of the Alpha Omega Alpha (AOA) Honor Society; this means I can say I graduated at the top 20% of my class. And yet, it wasn’t until residency interviews were going so well, and until finding out about my AOA nomination, that I started to actually feel the confidence to say that “I did well during medical school”; there were questions and doubts the entire way through this journey. By the end of medical school, I was finally better at enjoying each step of the journey and not being so focused on the destination, on the next challenge, and I’ll continue to work to enjoy each moment during residency as well.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what “little kid Monica” would think if I could meet her as I am today. I was a pretty anxious, scared, little girl who cared way too much what others thought about her. I honestly think that “little kid Monica” wouldn’t believe the person that I am today was possible. Yes there are hard days, and times where my anxieties get the best of me, but there are so so many more days where I am confident, where I love myself, and where I excel. As soon as my younger self finally started to accept and love the person I am, even for all the flaws, I formed the most meaningful and important relationships in my life. I am so proud that scared little kid Monica grew up into someone who strives to accept all parts of myself, someone who has never stopped chasing my dream of being an ER Doc, and someone who is humbled in knowing that there is still so much growth and improvement to come.
